Entry #4: Getting Lost

Starting anything new is scary. We've all failed at something and that feeling sucks. No one wants to feel that on purpose. That's a huge part of what makes change so hard. Thankfully, it doesn't have to be hard, and you don't have to fail.

They say the first steps are the hardest. Having made several major changes in my life, I agree with this sentiment. I've spent a good bit of time figuring out what makes it so hard and I've come up with two main answers.

First; change is hard. The way our brains are wired, we are averse to change. We like things to stay simple and familiar. So no matter how important the changes are, or how much we want them, making them takes an act of will. You're going against centuries of habit and evolution. Unfortunately, there's not much to correcting this beyond acceptance. This is going to be hard. Embrace that fact and recognize your accomplishments.

The second issue has several points that can be affected, so let's deal with that.

You can say it how you'd like; getting confused, out of control, lost, overwhelmed, out of your depth, the label doesn't really matter. Pick one that resonates with you so you can identify what you are dealing with. That done, much like the issue with change, you have to acknowledge that this is going to happen. Have some compassion for yourself. It doesn't mean you've failed or that you'll never get there. It's just part of the struggle.

There are two terms that help me keep things in perspective: SNAFU and FUBAR. Both are acronyms. The first being "Situation Normal: All Fucked Up." I know this seems a bit contradictory but the idea that normal is not some state of perfect, and is in fact chaotic, sets the expectations for success at something more manageable. FUBAR, Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, is where things actually become a problem. Until things reach FUBAR you're good to go. You make adjustments as needed and carry on.

If things do finally reach that point, it's time to stop, take full stock of what's going on, and restart from where you are with a new plan, and new goal if needs be. Thankfully that state is much the same as when you start from scratch, at least in terms of preparation and intent. It's important to keep this in mind. Because is still doesn't mean things have failed. It just means you need a new plan.

Planning is honestly the most important part of any project or change in life; whether you are rearranging your room, your schedule, or your entire life. I'm sure you've' heard people talk about breaking things into small manageable steps, but that's only a portion of how what works. Most people have a skewed perspective of what is manageable and an even worse measure of what is important.

Unfortunately, manageable is something you have to be honest with yourself about. Ideally you are looking for a balance between output and expectation. We are trained to expect perfection out of ourselves. Between Type-A attitude, grind culture, and time is money, there is no allowance for being human. Just a reminder, you are, in fact human. One thing so many people miss or ignore is the law of diminishing returns. It can come up in various forms, but in this case I'm talking about working past the point that you are being effective. There is absolutely a point, whether it's exhaustion, focus, or care, that the work you are doing will just need to be redone. You really want to stop before this becomes reality. Remember, rest is part of the process. Even engines and computers need time to cool down.

Importance is another issue all together. It can actually be defined, but that doesn't make it any easier to limit the scope of expectation. Importance can easily be called need. What is needed to make this change happen? One of the hard parts here is separating actual necessity from desire. If you want to move out of your crummy apartment, all you need to do is leave. However, being homeless isn't really a desirable outcome. But this does give you some baseline. In a lot of fields this is called minimum viable product. Quite literally; what is the smallest amount of work needed to make the bare necessity happen? 

You need out of that apartment but you can't afford the moving costs, don't have the time to move, and the place you want is only available until this weekend. You pack everything you must have into your car, expecting to take one trip. That's the bare minimum. Now you can take another look. Do you have time for a second trip? Okay, what's the next level of importance? Great? Continue like that until you have no more time, or space. Leave out what couldn't make it. When you get the time, energy, or chance for another change in life, you can look at improving the quality of things.

Now here's the best part: you can plan this all ahead. Break it down before you act. Put things in piles, real or on a list, of most importance. Figure out what can't be lost and make sure that gets priority. If that thing makes the plan impossible, then you have your new project: How do you make that thing work?

The most important part here is remembering you are the one in charge. Life can be unfair and people can leave you with seemingly impossible options, but you always have the final say. Don't let anyone force you to uphold their necessities or forsake yours. If you can pare things down to your base requirements, then you have the plan. Everything else is an add-on. Far too often we start things too big and then get lost because things don't fit.